I just heard a Christmas gift related commercial on the radio. Gene Juarez salons are inviting men everywhere to buy gift certificates for massages and the like. They ask men to give their significant other the “Gift of Calm.” Personally, I think the commercial would be much more effective if they had Samuel Jackson deliver the sales pitch instead of what sounds like a woman stoned out of her gourd. I think it would go something like this:

This is Samuel Jackson telling all guys out there to get their asses over to Gene Juarez to get your lady a gift certificate. Get her the gift that says, “Calm down Bitch! You tell that bitch BE COOL!” Just like Fonzie man, and what’s Fonzie like? That’s right, Fonzie’s cool. Worst case scenario you get her out of the house for a day so you and your friends can get down to the strip club and then out for some tasty burgers. I’d say it’s more of a present for you; it’s the gift that gets her away from you for a day, and calms her down at the same time. So go get that gift certificate and tell them that Uncle Sam sent you… Oh, and enjoy the strip clubs.

That commercial speaks to me a lot louder than the stoned chick. Hell, seems to me the salon is missing out on a bet by not partnering with a local bar for the guys. You could even toss in a free drink coupon for every $50 spent on the certificate. Take her to the salon, then get hammered… everybody wins. On a completely unrelated note… with ideas like this, how am I still single?

Dear World,

I can actually feel the civilized world as we know it crumbling down around me. When the simplest of social niceties can no longer be counted on by your fellow man, well, it's all over and we might as well head back to our caves. I entered the restroom at work today and found the stall was unflushed... no, worse than that... unflushed and full of shit. The floor that my lab occupies is filled only with adults, and this happened.

WHEN DID THIS KIND OF THING BECOME ACCEPTABLE ANYWHERE!!???? How is it possible that a grown man would simply walk away from that mess? I figure of all places you wouldn't pull that kind of bullshit, the office would be it! What happens if somebody walks in just as you leave? In the immortal words of Travolta, "It would have been worth him doing it if I had caught him." I would have spread the word so fucking fast he would never be able to show his face again.

Sadly this is simply an extension of the direction most public bathrooms have been heading for years. Why do people feel that they can simply destroy a public restroom? I'm not simply talking about not flushing... though that is an all-too-common occurence (mostly in the urinals). I'm talking about pissing all over the toilet seat, or all over the floor around the urinal so that others have to stand in your puddle as they relieve themselves. Has society really been degraded this much? I figured the last time I would see a destroyed toilet would be grade school, but sadly the situation has only become crappier... pun intended.

Forget why a person could do these things for a second... HOW could a person allow themselves to behave this way in public? It's not like you rented a fucking car with the insurance and want to drive it into the ground! You have to repeatedly return to the scene of the crime and look at the consequences of your behavior! Then some poor soul is eventually going to have to hose that shit down. HOW can a person allow this?

Even wild animals have an instinct to be clean. Even dogs and cats have the good sense not to shit where they have to remain! Some even bury their leftovers. Have we as a society become filthier than our pets? Before you answer "no," do you always flush? YOU may very well be the problem!

I shouldn't even have to ask this, but here it goes... "STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH FUCKING ASSHOLES AND FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET!!!!! FURTHERMORE, STOP PISSING ALL OVER THE FUCKING SEAT, AND STOP PISSING ALL OVER THE FUCKING FLOOR! I SINCERELY PRAY THAT WHOEVER DOES THIS GETS NUT CANCER AND DIES A SLOW, HORRIBLE DEATH!"

Love,
Bryan